The only sure things in life are death and taxes. This of course led to a number of fun and funny quotes and stories about taxes. And when did taxation start? And where? There is evidence of taxation of cooking oil in peoples home from ancient Egypt. Ancient Greece taxed both citizens and foreign residents. How Can Paying Taxes be Fun?
The Roman empire raised the bar, finding new and creative ways to tax their populace. In Great Britain, the rich were taxed, the poor were taxed, the clergy were taxed, well, it was hard not to be taxed.
Funny Tax Quotes
"I put all my money into taxes. They're the only thing that's sure to go up!"
"The Government says we should be proud to be paying taxes. I think I could be just as proud for about a third of the money."
"Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging."
"Why does a 'slight tax increase' cost you two hundred dollars, and a 'substantial tax cut' save you two dollars?"
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing right.
In order to simplify tax collections the IRS has a new, easier to use tax form with only two lines:
1. How much money did you make this year? _________
2. Please send it in.
According to the government, a taxpayer is someone who has what it takes.
People who save their money for a rainy day end up getting soaked by the government.
Taxation is a bizarre system in which you spend money, save receipts, and somehow come out ahead.
Future Tax Collector
It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector. In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes it dry is going to work for the IRS.
It's a privilege to be able to pay taxes. And if taxes keep rising, I may have to give up the privilege!
America is a land of untold wealth. Most of it is untold on the tax forms!
Don't put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There may be a tax on it by then!
Tax Preparation Manager
Manager: “Since your refund is $137, I will file your return for free.”
Customer: “Thank you! What about my $50?”
Manager: “I cannot give you $50 because I am not charging you anything.”
Customer: “I NEED THAT $50!”
Manager: *remaining calm* “If I gave you $50, it would be like me paying you so that I can prepare your return, right? To give you the $50, I would have to be charging you something first, right? I am doing this return for you free.”
Customer: “Okay, do that! Charge me!”
Manager: “So you are saying that you would like me to charge you $100 for preparation so that I can then give you $50?”
What is the difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion? The jail walls.
What's the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist only takes the skin.
Why won't sharks attack tax inspectors? Professional courtesy.
A taxpayer is someone who works for the federal government but who doesn't have to take a civil service examination.
Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.
Recipe for Preparing Your Taxes
Begin by emptying your house of all loved ones. This is because your children are not yet old enough to see the behavior you may exhibit in the hours ahead. Send them to church, to the library, or to the movies. Be sure you will have several hours alone to tackle this project.
Next, recall that famous line from Dirty Harry, "a man's got to know his limitations". Stop for a moment to access your current state before beginning your taxes. Did you relax and pet the dog (or cat) for a few minutes after work to calm down from your commute home in heavy traffic? Have you eaten recently? Did you go for a walk or stretch after eating to be in a reasonable sound physical state?
Okay, now you are ready to set up your chosen tax command post. From this location you will want plenty of flat surface area. The kitchen table? And all nearby counter tops. And the seats of the chairs. Or the desk in your study? And all the available floor space and window sills. Be sure you are fully supplied with pens, pencils, erasers, paper clips, scotch tape, and a large waste basket. (Maybe a shredder when you are absolutely, positively, 100 percent certain, you will never-need-that-piece-of-paper again).
And this is the 21st century after all. You'll need your trusty PC. With all the registered trademark software to help with your taxes - Word, Excel, Quicken, Turbo Tax, etc. (Which you confirmed was loaded and working properly over the President's Day holiday in February).
Oh, and did you fill the coffee pot, your favorite brew of rich arabica? It will likely be a long night and you may need all the help you can get! A couple of your favorite chocolate bars nearby would be a nice touch. For later. You know. When you need a little pick-me-up reward. You are doing your taxes after all.
This is the moment you've been waiting for. Putting off actually.
Spread out all your tax receipts in neat and orderly piles. Select a pattern to group them logically. Carefully sort them, paying close attention to which ones go on which piles. Take special care not to spill your coffee on them. After all, "I spilled my coffee on them" is right up their with "the dog at my homework" if you know what I mean.
Now open your tax forms or tax software. Stare blankly for a few moments. Cry if you need to. Have another cup of coffee. It's also time for your second chocolate candy bar. Savor the moment.
Finally, gather up all the forms, all the files, and all the receipts. Place them all in a large cardboard box. Welcome your kids home and enjoy a moment with them before bedtime.
And tomorrow, take the big box and your checkbook to a trusted tax professional, they love this stuff!