Life Explained by God
When God created the world, he also created the dog, the monkey, and the cow. Told through the eyes of the dog, the monkey, and the cow, and their conversations with God during creation, life is explained simply.
God Created the Dog
On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed with the dog.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, Do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God agreed with the monkey.
On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves, and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
And that's how life is explained through God's creation.
Science Confirms Dogs Love Us
Science has confirmed that dogs love us back, because they get the same rush of Oxycontin when they look at us that we get when we look at them.
No, really!
Are you telling me dogs look up at us and see us adorable?
The dog is thinking: I am a fuzzy creature and your a different adorable creature. And you smell interesting. I love you!
(The cat is thinking: I am a graceful leader to be worshiped. You should bow when I enter the room.)
This explains why superior cats occasionally try to bathe us.
It's true. Cats see us giant, dumb, hairless babies. That's why they bring us half-dead mice, birds, and other prey. To teach us how to hunt and eat properly.
That's why they attack when we rub their bellies. That's how parents teach kittens to defend themselves.
That's also why they meow. Cats communicate with other adults on a frequency we cannot hear, but they meow at kittens because their ears aren't yet fully developed.
They even have a specialized a set of meows used only for humans, since we are clearly nearly deaf babies.
Basically, we're all dumb kittens.
Isn't it fantastic that dogs love us in spite of our shortcomings!
Unreservedly and constantly!!
Regardless of our smell!!!
We're still interesting!
God Explained by an 8 Year Old
Who is God? What does He do? Find out from an 8 year old boy. "Sure, I Can Tell You All About God."
What Does God Do?
"One of God's main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the ones that die, so there will be enough people to take care of things on earth. He doesn't make grown-ups, just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That way He doesn't have to take up His valuable time teaching them to talk and walk. He can just leave that to mothers and fathers."
"God's second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times beside bedtime. God doesn't have time to listen to the radio or TV because of this. Because He hears everything, there must be a terrible lot of noise in His ears, unless He has thought of a way to turn it off."
"God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere which keeps Him pretty busy. So you shouldn't go wasting His time by going over your mom and dad's head asking for something they said you couldn't have."
"Jesus is God's Son. He used to do all the hard work like walking on water and performing miracles and trying to teach the people who didn't want to learn about God. They finally got tired of Him preaching to them and they crucified Him. But He was good and kind, like His Father and He told His Father that they didn't know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said O.K."
Jesus and God Together
"His Dad (God) appreciated everything that He had done and all His hard work on earth so He told Him He didn't have to go out on the road anymore. He could stay in heaven. So He did. And now He helps His Dad out by listening to prayers and seeing things which are important for God to take care of and which ones He can take care of Himself without having to bother God. Like a secretary, only more important."
"You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to help you because they got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the time."
"You should always go to church on Sunday because it makes God happy, and if there's anybody you want to make happy, it's God. Don't skip church to do something you think will be more fun like going to the beach. This is wrong. And besides the sun doesn't come out at the beach until noon anyway."
"If you don't believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be very lonely, because your parents can't go everywhere with you, like to camp, but God can. It is good to know He's around you when you're scared in the dark or when you can't swim and you get thrown into real deep water by big kids."
"But...you shouldn't just always think of what God can do for you. I figure God put me here and He can take me back anytime He pleases.
And that's why I believe in God."
- - - attributed to Danny Dutton of Chula Vista, CA, for his third grade homework assignment.