Hello, this is Ethyl's Answering Machine
"Hi. Now you say something."
"Hi. John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
"Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. If you'd like anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone."
"Hi. This is Steve. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank loan officer, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are female, don't worry, I have plenty of money."
"Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."
"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."
"Da, zis iz Ivan: Do you have zee secret information, Boris?"
"Pentagon command: transmit destruct sequence (pause) sequence correct: T minus one minute and counting."
"Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? Captain, there is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven, do you want it on screen?" (silence ... click)
"This is not an answering machine this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."
Far Out Answering Machine Messages
"I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of them will get back to you."
"I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of twenty-dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you're from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message."
"Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange ... mother ... unicorn ... I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible."
"You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message. As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on reality. You begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone ... the telephone is next to an answering machine ... you hear a faint click and a light flashes on the answering machine ... you hear a beep .."
"After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the money. I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to come out of hiding."
"The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret password."
"I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it ... I mean, like, wait ..."
"How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand the instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch this .."
"(With an Australian accent) G'day mate. Can't come to the phone now because I'm a bit tied up with this crocodile. Just leave a message, and I'll get back to you.