Funny Pilots. Funny Doctors. Funny Lawyers. Funny Teachers. We appreciate them and look up to them, they are professionals. Of course, they have their moments too. Funny moments that are repeated as funny stories. Remember, the Ark was built by Amateurs, the Titanic was built by Professionals.
Insurers need more information to understand claims at times, to fully comprehend just what happened. Like when this bricklayer fell up, yes up, then fell down.
Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his boots? He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on.
A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down.
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick, and put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror.
The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail, when suddenly a coyote jumps out and attacks his dog. The coyote bites the Governor.
Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly beside him.
An Air Force C-130 was flying on a mission when a cocky F-16 pilot flew up next to him. The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, "watch this !" and promptly went into a barrel roll.
CARRY-ON BAGGAGE - An item of unusually large dimensions that only fits under the seat when traveling to your destination, never on your return trip home. (Refrigerators, motorcycles, console . . . and other airline carry one items.)
The pilot is using a while cane, bumping into passengers as he walks down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have huge sunglasses covering their eyes.
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. In an effort to offer you lower airfares, while still remaining a profitable company, today's inflight safety briefing is brought to you by our sponsors. Please pay close attention to the commercial message and have your credit cards ready. Thank you for your cooperation."
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain speak . . . Hey give me back the microphone!"
"No, it's my turn, you got to give the welcome aboard announcements the last three times!"
"Now look here Butch . . . Stop it, the mike's still open. People can hear us!"
And a whisper was heard from the back of the plane:
"Mommy, can we get off the plane now? I don't feel too good."
"Where is the reference desk?" (Asked of the Librarian sitting at a desk with a hanging sign above it saying: "REFERENCE DESK".) "Do you have a list of all books ever written?"
New Chemical Element Discoveries
WOMAN Symbol: Wo Atomic Weight: 135 (more or less,
Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze anytime.
MAN Symbol: XY Atomic Weight: 180 (+/- 100)
Physical Properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape when heated. Fairly dense and sometimes . . . can be unpredictable.
As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave-side service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the Oklahoma back country.
"Things you don't want to hear during surgery" - Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy. Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop. Wait a minute!
"A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge!"