Funny Doctors. Funny Lawyers. Funny Pilots. Funny Teachers. We appreciate them and look up to them, they are professionals. Of course, they have their moments too. Funny moments that are repeated as funny stories. Remember, the Ark was built by Amateurs, the Titanic was built by Professionals.
Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his boots? He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on.
An Air Force C-130 was flying on a mission when a cocky F-16 pilot flew up next to him. The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, "watch this !" and promptly went into a barrel roll.
A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down.
Insurers need more information to understand claims at times, to fully comprehend just what happened. Like when this bricklayer fell up, yes up, then fell down.
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick, and put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror.
The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail, when suddenly a coyote jumps out and attacks his dog. The coyote bites the Governor.
Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly beside him.
"Welcome aboard! To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out flying."
Have you ever met an obsessive net surfer? You know, that buddy or girlfriend who you used to hang out with, but seems locked in front of their computer these days?
These are the nominees for the Chevy Nova Award. This is given out of honor of GM's fiasco in trying to market this car in Central and South America: "No Va" has a very specific meaning in Spanish.
CARRY-ON BAGGAGE - An item of unusually large dimensions that only fits under the seat when traveling to your destination, never on your return trip home. (Refrigerators, motorcycles, console . . . and other airline carry one items.)
The pilot is using a while cane, bumping into passengers as he walks down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have huge sunglasses covering their eyes.
"A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge!"
"If your lawyer is wearing a suit that doesn't fit, and is talking on a flip - phone . . . you're going to jail."
Celebrity Quotes: "Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities, but can't remember what they are.
"Where is the reference desk?" (Asked of the Librarian sitting at a desk with a hanging sign above it saying: "REFERENCE DESK".) "Do you have a list of all books ever written?"
WOMAN Symbol: Wo Atomic Weight: 135 (more or less,
Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze anytime.
MAN Symbol: XY Atomic Weight: 180 (+/- 100)
Physical Properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape when heated. Fairly dense and sometimes . . . can be unpredictable.
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. In an effort to offer you lower airfares, while still remaining a profitable company, today's inflight safety briefing is brought to you by our sponsors. Please pay close attention to the commercial message and have your credit cards ready. Thank you for your cooperation."
As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave-side service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the Oklahoma back country.
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain speak . . . Hey give me back the microphone!"
"No, it's my turn, you got to give the welcome aboard announcements the last three times!"
"Now look here Butch . . . Stop it, the mike's still open. People can hear us!"
And a whisper was heard from the back of the plane:
"Mommy, can we get off the plane now? I don't feel too good."
"Things you don't want to hear during surgery" - Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy. Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop. Wait a minute!