A Mother's Child Story, Starting a Family
A friend and I were sitting at lunch when she casually mentions that she and her husband are thinking of "starting a family". "We're taking a survey," she says, half-joking. "Do you think I should have a baby?" "A child will change your life," I say, carefully keeping my tone neutral.
A Mother's Child
“I know," she says, "with a child, there's no more sleeping
in on weekends, no more spontaneous vacations."
But that is not what I meant at all. I look at my friend,
trying to decide what to tell her. As a mother, I want her
to know what she will never learn in childbirth classes. I
want to tell her that the physical wounds of child bearing
will heal, but that becoming a mother will leave her with an
emotional wound so raw that she will forever be vulnerable.
I consider warning her that she will never again read a
newspaper without asking "What if that had been MY child?";
that every plane crash, every house fire will haunt her;
that when she sees pictures of starving children, she will
wonder if anything could be worse than watching your child
die.
I look at her carefully manicured nails and stylish suit and
think that no matter how sophisticated she is, becoming a
mother will reduce her to the primitive level of a bear
protecting her cub; that an urgent call of "MOM!" will cause
her to drop a soufflé or her best crystal without a moment's
hesitation.
I feel I should warn her that no matter how many years she
has invested in her career, she will be professionally
derailed by motherhood and having a child. She might arrange
for childcare, but one day she will be going into an
important business meeting and she will think of her baby's
sweet smell. She will have to use every ounce of her
discipline to keep from running home, just to make sure her
baby is all right.
I want my friend to know that everyday decisions will no
longer be routine-that a five-year-old boy's desire to go to
the men's room rather than the women's at McDonald's will
become a major dilemma; that right there, in the midst of
clattering trays and screaming children, issues of
independence and gender identity will be weighed against the
prospect that a child molester may be lurking in that
restroom.
However decisive she may be at the office, she will
second-guess herself constantly as a mother. Looking at my
attractive friend, I want to assure her that eventually she
will shed the pounds of pregnancy, but she will never feel
the same about herself. That her life, now so important,
will be of less value to her once she has a child. That she
would give it up in a moment to save her offspring, but will
also begin to hope for more years - not to accomplish her
own dreams, but to watch her child accomplish theirs.
Starting a Family
I want her to know that a caesarian scar or shiny stretch marks will become badges of honor. My friend's relationship with her husband will change, but not in the way she thinks. I wish she could understand how much more you can love a man who is careful to powder the baby or who never hesitates to play with his child. I think she should know that she will fall in love with him again...for reasons she would now find very unromantic.
I wish my friend could sense the bond she will feel with mothers throughout history who have tried to stop war, prejudice and drunk driving. I hope she will understand why I can think rationally about most issues, but become temporarily insane when I discuss the threat of nuclear war to my children's future.
I want to describe to my friend the exhilaration of seeing
your child learn to ride a bike. I want to capture for her
the belly laugh of a baby who is touching the soft fur of a
dog or a cat for the first time. I want her to taste a
mother's joy so real that it actually hurts. My friend's
quizzical look makes me realize that tears have formed in my
eyes.
"You'll never regret it," I finally say.
Then I reach across the table, squeeze my friend's hand and
offer a silent prayer for her, and for me, and for all of
the mere mortal women who stumble their way into this most
wonderful of callings. The blessed gift of God ...that of
being a Mother.