Twas the Night Before Christmas in the 1990's

Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck, How to live in a world that's politically correct? His workers no longer would answer to "Elves," "Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.

And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.

Snow Covered Mountains
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid.

The runners had been removed from his sleigh,
The rust was termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof tops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened
His fur trimmed red suit was called, "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose.

Night Before Christmas in the 1990's

And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So half of the reindeer were gone, and his wife
Who suddenly said she'd had enough of this life.

Joined a self-help group, packed and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur
Which means nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim.  Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise
Nothing for just girls, or just for the boys.

Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacifistic
No candy or sweet...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.

No fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were the Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football, someone could get hurt,
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe,
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed.
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've to to be careful with that word today.

Night Before Christmas in the 1990's

sad boy in santa suit

His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.

A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion.
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.

So here is that gift, its price beyond worth:

May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth.

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