The 12 Days of Christmas is a wonderful song and story. Of course, that's the one we know and love. What if it didn't really work out that way? What if the 12 Days of Christmas when wrong? Not exactly according to the song?
The 12 Days of Christmas - Not Exactly
Dear Lance, the love of my life:
Words failed me when I received your gift of a Partridge in a Pear Tree. Your thoughtfulness and creativity brought tears of happiness to my eyes. Thank you, thank you, thank you for such a wonderful gift.
All my love,
The postal carrier came to my door today with the most adorable package, Two Turtle Doves! They are so cute and coo so romantically together. I must repeat myself when I tell you how thoughtful you are Lance. I look forward to our life together in love just like these doves!
Loving you sooooo much,
You again surprised me with your thoughtfulness and generosity. When the Three French Hens arrived via Fed Ex® today I couldn't believe my eyes. Actually, they are just awesome to watch strutting around, but I did wonder about the pattern I'm seeing. After all, 1 Partridge, 2 Doves, and now 3 Hens. I'm not clear about how poultry fits into our love, but your thoughts are very much appreciated.
With my love
The 12 Days of Christmas - Surprise!
I must admit that today my confusion got the better of me when the UPS® driver rang my doorbell. The four Calling Birds he delivered are gorgeous, their plumage is exquisite, beyond compare. But that poultry thing came into view again. I mean, it's very romantic, but, well, is this the end of the birds?
Dearest wonderful Lance,
Okay, now you're back on track! The postal lady brought your gift today. Five Gold Rings. They're awesome! I can wear a different one every day!! I love you so much Lance! (But I am a bit concerned about the birds, you know, the partridge, doves, hens, and calling birds. They make a lot of racket day and night. It's affecting my sleep, and the neighbors are beginning to wonder why Amazon® has delivered birdseed to my house three times this week.)
You know, after your wonderful gift of the 5 Gold Rings yesterday, I thought we turned a positive corner in our relationship. Imagine my surprise to find 6 Geese Laying eggs on my front door steps! That's right, laying eggs! And these critters are monsters compared to the other birds you've sent me. They're huge! I don't know where I'm going to put them, and the neighbors are really beginning to notice now too. Mrs. Millicent next door comes out on her porch each morning to see which delivery service will show up at my door! Enough is enough!
The 12 Days of Christmas - Wrong!
WOW! Do you know how big a swan is? And 7 Swans a Swimming? The delivery service had to bring a huge, round, horse tank, you know, the kind used to water horses, for all these swans! Are you trying to be funny? Have you done the simple math? 1 partridge, plus 2 doves, plus 3 hens, plus 4 calling birds, plus 6 geese, plus 7 swans. That's right buster. I am living with 23 farm animals and waterfowl in my house and yard!! And none of them are housebroken!!!
Dude, you've lost it!
What started out as a thoughtful display of affection has gone way beyond reasonable! Why in the world did you send me 8 Maids a Milking???? That's right milking!! Which means they have 8 cows too!! I don't have enough rooms and beds for 8 maids to sleep in, AND, there are cow patties all over the place! Stop already!
Angry and perturbed,
Do you have some kind of death wish? That's right! Today 9 Pipers Piping invaded my home. Do you know how loud 9 pipers playing their pipes are? And they're eyeing the maids! I don't need any of that in my house! And you should see the cows and the birds, running for cover and trying to get away from those noisy pipers! Mrs. Millicent across the street called the Sheriff's office to have me evicted from the neighborhood!
What's next you jerk?
The 12 Days of Christmas - Not Exactly
I don't even know what to call you anymore,
You know there are 23 birds in my house, and 8 maids, plus 9 pipers, which makes 17. And today 10 Ladies Dancing showed up too. That's 27 people in my house on top of everything else!! And with 9 pipers and 18 maids and ladies here, the city council called telling me I had to get a business license for "the hotel" I was operating. (All of this in the midst of all those non-house broken animals, the smell is horrendous.)
Expect a call from the police Lance!
You are so done buster!
The 11 Lords a Leaping entered my home today, if you can even call it a home anymore. That's right, 11 more people. This brings the body count up to 38. THERE ARE 38 PEOPLE IN MY HOUSE !!!. If not for the 5 Gold Rings I would have you shot.
The last person on earth who wants to talk to you!
Mr. Lance A. Lot
78 Animal Way
This letter acknowledges your gift today, of 12 Fiddlers Fiddling. It is unclear why you arranged for these, and in fact, for a total of 50 people to invade Gwen's home, which was already overrun by farm animals, poultry, and water fowl. Your complete disregard for the consequences of your action is inexcusable, and is in fact, unconscionable.
Please see the enclosed restraining order. You are forthwith forbidden to attempt any contact with Miss Gwen, now or in the future. Should you seek to visit her at the Happy Valley Sanitarium Home you will be promptly arrested, hand-cuffed, and jailed.
Any future correspondence should be directed to our office and my attention.
A. Honey Badger
A. Honey Badger, esq. 78 Animal Way
The Law Offices of: Badger, Weasel, and Shew