The Universal Laws of the Universe

Why do things happen like they do? Why does this happen to me? Why do the wrong thing happen at just the right moment? Do you ask yourself these questions sometimes? Read on for the real reasons these things happen. Well, at least the funny reasons for these universal laws.

cartoon lady in red car



The Law of Diminishing Communication:

The distance between you and the nearest emergency telephone, is in inverse proportion to the nature of your emergency. Mechanical breakdown is nothing compared to a medical emergency.

Emergency Phone in 174 Kilometers

The Law of Mechanical Repair:

When working under your car, in your garage, after your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch, and you'll have the sudden demanding urge to go to the bathroom.

The Law of Gravity:

Regardless of the location, any tool, nut, bolt, or screw, pencil, pen, or eraser, gumdrop, M&M, or Skittle, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner possible.

The Law of Probability:

The probability of being watched by someone else, is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. Should it be particularly embarrassing as well, the number of witnesses to your action will increase proportionately.

The Law of Random Numbers:

If you dial a wrong number, you will never get a busy signal.  Someone always answers the phone.  If it is a Tuesday, they will speak a language unknown to you, and will ask you questions in their native tongue.

Canadian Goose Face and Beak

The Law of the Alibi:

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. Due to the potential severity of this law, chose an alibi carefully, as you will be experiencing it personally.

The Variation Law:

When standing in line at the check out stand, or driving in your car, if you change lines, or traffic lanes, the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now. (Yes, it works every time).

The Law of the Bath:

When the bath tub is full, the water is just the right temperature, and your body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.



The Law of Close Encounters:

The probability of meeting someone you know increases geometrically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with, or visiting a place where you wouldn't be caught dead.

The Law of the Result:

When you try to prove to someone, and demonstrate to them, that a machine won't work, it will.

The Law of Bio-mechanics:

The severity of an itch anywhere on your body, is inversely proportional to the inaccessibility of the location, and your ability to reach it.

The Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena:

At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, soda, or the bathroom, and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

baseball bat flying into a crowd

The Coffee Law:

As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.  (Like The Variation Law, this one works every time too).

Murphy's Law of Lockers:

If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

The Law of Physical Surfaces:

The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and the cost of the carpet or rug.

glass of red wine

Corollary:

This also applies to red wine, as the chances of spilling are directly correlated to the color of the carpet. White carpet obviously holds the greatest attraction, it's only a matter of time.


The SHORT Laws


Law of Logical Argument:

Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law of Physical Appearance:

If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

Oliver's Law of Public Speaking:

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy:

As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

And The Doctor's Law:

If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

Cartoon Penguin Surgeon

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