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To
Everything There is a Season: . A Time to Weep, A Time to
Laugh.
Ecclesiastes 3
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The
Universal Laws
The Law of Diminishing Communication:
The distance between you and the nearest emergency telephone, is in
inverse proportion to the nature of your emergency. Mechanical
breakdown is nothing compared to a medical emergency.
The Law of Mechanical Repair:
When working under your car, in your garage, after your hands become
coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch, and you'll have the
sudden demanding urge to go to the bathroom.
The Law of Gravity:
Regardless of the location, any tool, nut, bolt, or screw, pencil, pen, or eraser, gumdrop, M&M, or Skittle, when
dropped, will roll to the least
accessible corner possible.
The Law of Probability:
The probability of being
watched by someone else, is directly
proportional to the stupidity of your act. Should
it be particularly embarrasing as well, the number of
witnesses to your action will increase proportionately.
The
Law of Random Numbers:
If
you dial a wrong number, you will never get a
busy signal. Someone always answers the phone. If it is a
Tuesday, they will speak a language unknown to you, and will ask
you questions in their native tongue.
The
Law of the Alibi:
If
you tell the boss you were late for work because
you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Due to the potential severity of this law, chose an alibi carefully, as
you will be experiencing it personally.
The
Variation Law:
When
stading in line at the check out stand, or driving in your car, if
you change lines, or traffic lanes, the one you
were in will always move faster than the one you are in now. (Yes, it
works
every time).
The
Law of the Bath:
When the bath tub is full, the water is just the right temperature, and your body is fully immersed in water, the
telephone will ring.
The Universal Laws (cont.)
The
Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know
increases geometrically when you are with someone you don't want to be
seen with, or visiting a place where you wouldn't be caught dead.
The
Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone, and demonstrate to them, that a machine
won't work, it will.
The
Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of an itch anywhere on your body, is inversely
proportional to the inaccessabilty of the location, and your ability to reach it.
The Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena:
At any event, the people whose
seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the
ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, soda, or
the bathroom, and who leave early before the end of the performance or the
game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once,
have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the
performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
The Coffee Law:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your
boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is
cold. (Like The Variation Law, this one works every time too).
Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker
room, they will have adjacent lockers.
The Law of Physical Surfaces:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich
landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness
and the cost of the carpet or rug.
Corollary:
This
also applies to red wine, as the chances of spilling are directly
correlated to the color of the carpet. White carpet obviously holds the
greatest attraction, it's only a matter of time.
The Universal Laws (cont.)
The SHORT Laws
Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what
you are talking about.
Brown's Law of Physical Appearance:
If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
Oliver's Law of Public Speaking:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy:
As soon as you find a
product that you really like, they will stop making it.
And The Doctor's Law:
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the
doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an
appointment, and you'll stay sick.
# # #
Return HOME from The Universal Laws
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