DATELINE: Northern Territories, Arctic Circle:
The United States "Everybody is Protected Agency", the EPA,
has temporarily shut down the operations of one, Santa
Claus, of the North Pole. More specifically, his
special transportation unit, a sleigh, that apparently flies
through the air, has been deemed to have failed the EPA's
environmental standards. This prevents flights into
and out of United States airspace.
As EPA press spokesman, Mr. Ebbie Scourge explained it, "Santa's sleigh is an ancient relic of a bygone era. It does not have the required emission capture and retrieval systems necessary on it's propulsion units, the, uh, er, reindeer. (ahem)." Santa has been given 6 weeks to retrofit the said reindeer with the required capture systems in accordance with standard EPA containment policies.
Mr. Claus, and Mrs. Claus too by the way, were nearly speechless at the announcement. With Christmas just a few weeks away, the situation was completely unthinkable, and therefore unacceptable. Children all over the world, and in the US, were depending upon Santa to arrive at their house on schedule, on Christmas eve. How could he ever explain this to the children?
In additon to this dramatic annoucement from the EPA, apparently the "Oversight of Safety and Humbug Association", OSHA, has now opened an investigation too. Noting a concern for the safety of Santa, and any elves, or other passengers on his sleigh, their legal brief describes a lack of seat belts, safety restraints, or air bags. A further concern is the size of many of the elves that may accompany Santa, and a need for child safety seats due to their limited stature and weight.
Fortunately a wise and experienced elf, Mr. Solomon Elvington, long in the association of Mr. and Mrs. Claus, was familiar with goverment matters. Through a lifetime of burecratic negotiations, he knew no real decisions could be made during the last month of the year, a time when government often ground to a halt, (or a stalemate).
After submitting his request for a stay of action, while
seeking further clarification from the governement agencies,
he assured Santa the sleigh would be able to complete it's
rounds on Christmas eve as expected. And with an
election year just around the corner, the whole matter would
likely be forgotten too!
The Santa Claus at the shopping mall was very surprised when a young lady aged about 20 years old walked up and sat on his lap. Now, we all know that Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him and he asked:
"'What do you want for Christmas?"
"Something for my mother, please." replied the young lady sweetly.
"'Something for your mother? Well, that's very loving and thoughtful of you. What do would you like me to bring her?" said Santa.
Without pausing, the young lady smiled conspiratorially, winked, and said"
"A cute millionaire son-in-law."
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