News Flash:
Santa
Sleigh Grounded
DATELINE:
Northern Territories, Arctic Circle:
The
United States "Everybody is Protected Agency", the EPA, has
temporarily shut down the operations of one, Santa Claus, of the North
Pole. More specifically, his special transportation unit, a sleigh, that
apparently flies through the air, has been deemed to have failed the EPA's
environmental standards. This prevents flights into and out
of United States airspace.
As
EPA presss spokesman, Mr. Ebbie Scourge explained it, "Santa's sleigh is an
ancient relic of a bygone era. It does not have the required
emission capture and retrieval systems necessary on it's propulsion
units, the, uh, er, reindeer. (ahem)." Santa has been given 6
weeks to retrofit the said reindeer with the required capture systems
in accordance with standard EPA containment policies.
Mr.
Claus, and Mrs. Claus too by the way, were nearly speechless at the
announcement. With Christmas just a few weeks away, the
situation was completely unthinkable, and therefore unacceptable.
Children all over the world, and in the US, were depending upon
Santa to arrive at their house on schedule, on Christmas eve. How could
he ever explain this to the children?
In additon to this dramatic annoucement from the EPA, apparently the
"Oversight of Safety and Humbug Association", OSHA, has now opened
an investigation too. Noting a concern for the safety
of Santa, and any elves, or other passengers on his sleigh,
their legal brief describes a lack of seat belts, safety restraints, or
air bags. A further concern is the size of many of the elves that
may accompany Santa, and a need for child safety seats due to their
limited stature and weight.
Fortunately
a wise and experienced elf, Mr. Solomon Elvington, long in the
association of Mr. and Mrs. Claus, was familiar with goverment
matters. Through a lifetime of burecratic negotiations, he knew
no real decisions could be made during the last month of the year, a
time when government often ground to a halt, (or a stalemate).
After
submitting his request for a stay of action, while seeking further
clarification from the governement agencies, he assured Santa the
sleigh would be able to complete it's rounds on Christmas eve as
expected. And with an election year just around the corner, the
whole matter would likely be forgotton too!
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