Funny Online Resume Quotes

What's the funniest thing you've ever read on a Resume? Or that you've written on a Resume? People do say the funniest things sometimes. Resumes tell the stories of the writers, offering a glimpse into that inner child, the one who is not quite ready for that prime time job.



Funny Resume Quotes and One-Liners

"Let's meet so you can ooh and aah over my experience."

"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."

"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."

"Personal interests: Donating blood. Fourteen dollars so far!"

"My last 3 bosses all said I possess "very unique talents", and said their workplaces could not provide enough incentive for my special gifts."

"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 previous jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job."

"I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."

"Martial status: Often."people standing in job line

"Children: Various."

"References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me."

"Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am, every morning. I could not work under those conditions."

"I've got a new iPhone 6 so I can continue to work outside the office 24/7."

"Of course my resume is good, I paid $10 for it on eBay."

"I scored 10,800 points in Space Invaders and got all 252 Stars in Mario Brothers."

"I prepared this entire resume without relying on sppell check or any ohter of those spelling, grammmar, or artificial computer tools to impresss anyone."

"My resume is on YouTube®, here's the URL address."

Now be honest with yourself, have you ever completed a resume in such a hurry, you made someone else laugh when they read it?



My Resume

Education:

  • I was first in my Second Grade class in knot tying
  • My freshman math teacher said he had never seen anyone like me
  • My college English teacher nominated me for the "remedial" grammar class
  • I graduated with a BA in BS from MTI, Harvaard, and Yal.

Career Experience:

  • I'm a hard worker, never late for work for my 5 pm start time
  • I know how to replace the big plastic trash bags in the brown bins
  • I once compiled 800 lines of software code in 23 minutes, it almost worked
  • I used to pack parachutes for the Navy, until that little incident
  • I have my very own red stapler

References:

  • "Michael makes the day last forever."
  • "He is capable of so much more."
  • "Michael set the standards to which no one else can achieve."

man and woman


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