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To
Everything There is a Season: . A Time to Weep, A Time to
Laugh.
Ecclesiastes 3
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Noah's Ark 2000
If Noah had lived in the United States in the year 2000 the story may
have gone something like this:
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, In one year I am going to make it
rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed.
But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of
living thing on earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark.
In a flash of lighting, God delivered the specifications for an Ark.
In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.
“Remember,” said the Lord, “you must complete the ARK and bring
everything aboard in one year.”
Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all
the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was
sitting in his front yard weeping.
“Noah!” He shouted, “Where is the Ark?”
“Lord, please forgive me,” cried Noah. “I did my best, but there were
big problems.”
First, I had to get a permit for construction, and your plans did not
meet the building codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw
the plans.
Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a
sprinkler system and approved floatation devices.
Then, my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances
by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from
the city planning commission.
Then, I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was
a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl.
I finally convinced the US Forest Services that I really needed the
wood to save the owls.
However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won’t let me take the 2 owls.
The carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a
settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would
pick up a saw or hammer. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still
no owls.
When I started rounding up the other animals, an animal rights group
sued me. They objected to me taking only two of each kind aboard. This
suit is pending.
Meanwhile, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark
without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed
flood. They didn’t take very kindly to the idea that they had no
jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the Universe.
Then, the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed flood
plan. I sent them a globe.
Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal
Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination
by not taking atheists aboard
The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I’m building the Ark in
preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes.
I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user
tax and failed to register the Ark as a ‘recreational water craft.’
And finally ... the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against
further construction of the ARK, saying that since God is flooding the
earth, it’s a religious event, and therefore unconstitutional.
I really don’t think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years.
Noah waited.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine, and the seas began to
calm.
A rainbow arced across the sky.
Noah looked up hopefully.
“You mean you’re not going to destroy the earth, Lord?”
No, “He said sadly, I don’t have to. The government already has.”
# # #
Return HOME from Noah's
Ark 2000
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