Isn't it amazing what you read in the newspaper classified ads. The funny classifieds range from the simple typo that changes the whole meaning of the ad, to the outrageous. That's right, those funny ads that make you scratch your head and do a double take.
For Sale, Help Wanted, and Other Funny Classifieds
For Sale: 2014 Lincoln Navigator: Fully equipped, GPS, iPad & MP3 ports, premium stereo package, onboard computer screen, premium chrome spoke wheels, low miles, must sell to first caller. Full price $99, cash only. Yes, this is serious. Husband ran off with secretary and said to sell his Navigator and send him the money.
Auto Repair Service: Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Child Care: Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
Dog for sale: Eats anything and is fond of children.
Avid male runner seeks female running partner. Looks not important. Must be tall, slim, and attractive.
Experienced Nanny Wanted. To care for our three small children in outhouse. No car needed.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel. ANSI safety engineering training and equipment will be provided.
For Sale: Slightly used headstone. Perfect gift for someone named William Peterson.
Teacher Needed: 3-year old teacher needed for preschool. Experience preferred.
For Sale: Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
Yard Worker Needed: Must have HoolaHoop.
Caring Man Wanted: SWF looking for man for permanent relationship, marriage, and support. Must be willing to ignore the voices in my head and occasional muttering under my breath.
City Maintenance Engineer Wanted: The city sewer smells. Engineer needed to troubleshoot and determine the source of the smell, and recommend corrections.
Computer Tech Support: Is your
computer malfunctioning and you don't know what to do? You
know who to call. Tech-Busters. If you think it's busted
now, wait until we get done with it.
For sale: Antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Free Rent: In exchange for elderly woman.
Earrings: Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home too.
For sale: Thanksgiving Turkey left overs. Both thigh-leg portions still complete. $9.95. Please respond in the next 3 days.
Talent Search: Can you burp or fart on will? Can you do it better than your friends? If so, apply in person at 545 Main Street, Gas City.
Custom Dry Cleaning: We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
Funny "Wanted" and "Needed" Classified Ads
Guinea Pig Wanted: This is for real. Not the fictional "guinea pig" meaning, like I have some strange experiment or anything like that. After all, I'm not a mad scientist. Or even a scientist wanna-be. And the guinea pig will not be harmed, or eaten, or fed to my doberman. It's for my little boy, yeah, that's it. It's a pet for my little boy.
Cab Drivers Needed: Must have valid drivers license, clean driving record, and documented criminal record. Please apply in person at 5256 Court House Street.
Waitress Needed: Must be 18 years old with 20 plus years of experience.
Entrepreneurs Needed. Make Your Fortune: How to buy a $375,000 house for only $525,000. Inquire at Westhaven Mansions.
Prepper Researcher Needed: Must be experienced in preparation for natural survival under extreme circumstances, including rebellion, insurrection, anarchy, acts of war, and nuclear holocaust. Please place resume in a black envelope on the third Oak tree from the left, at mile maker 18.3 on Highway H, four miles south of town.
Minions Wanted: Someone to go back in time with me. Yes, this is for real. I've done it once before. Bring your own weapons, safety not guaranteed. Full payment upon return.
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