The Woes of Your New Job
Two hours into my first professional job, my new boss introduced me to a group as "Lauren, who worked at company X for seven years." I looked at her funny and said I'd never worked there. "My God!" she shrieked, "I hired the wrong person!"
First day on the job, the boss asks you to write down your list of hobbies, because he wants to hand them back at the end of the year, to remind you of what you used to do when you had free time.
You put your lunch in the office refrigerator and notice all the other lunches are in steel containers with padlocks, with the names of the owners stenciled in larger printers type.
At the end of your first week of work, enough "old timers" have quit that you have the most seniority in your department.
When I came in the second day my new boss looked at me and gleefully said "Oh good! You came back!!"
The guy who hired you is fired the next day.
You ask your cube mate how long they have worked here, and they say, "counting today?"
When you actually know all there is to know by day two, and your co-workers are asking you for instructions.
Your boss comes around on your first Friday and work and says, ""Hello Peter, whats happening? Ummm, I'm gonna need you to go ahead come in tomorrow. So if you could be here around 9 that would be great, mmmk... oh oh! and I almost forgot ahh, I'm also gonna need you to go ahead and come in on Sunday too, kay."
"Sorry, we forgot you were starting today. Here is a folding chair and table. We'll try to get you a phone by next week."
You ask your new sales associate how long they've been with the company, and they reply, "ever since they threatened to fire me."
The sign above the water cooler says, "Don't You Have Something Better to Do?" "Get Back to Work!"
Your New Job Offer
"Well Mr. Williamson, we are very impressed with your resume, and we are prepared to make you a job offer."
"Thank you Mr. Ramsey."
"You are most welcome. To be frank, it would be helpful if we had some idea of your "current salary and package with your current employer, Montgammery Inc.."
"That's no problem Mr. Ramsey, I am happy to share openly." "My current salary is $165,00 per year, plus 40% bonus, fully use of a company car, corporate paid health insurance plan with complete reimbursement of all out of pocket expenses, 7 weeks of paid vacation, 3 sick days/personal days per month, complimentary use of the all-inclusive company Timeshare in Maui for 1 week of the year, and the Timeshare in the Swiss Alps 1 week each year, 4 business conferences annually at Ritz Carlton and Westin properties, and reimbursement for all child care expenses for my wife and I."
"Uh, thank you Mr. Williamson."
"You're welcome Mr. Ramsey." "Is there some problem?"
"Uh, no Mr. Williamson." "Well, actually, yes, could you arrange an introduction for me to the Montgammery Inc. hiring manager, for the position you are leaving?"
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