The
Mental Health Hotline
The new
answering service greeting recently installed at the
"Mental Health Institute"
"Hello,
and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline."
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay
on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred
to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice
will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number
you press: no-one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 969696969696969.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key
until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8, and state your name, address,
phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your
mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully
press 000.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the
beep, or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the
beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have
short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory
loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss press 9.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators
are too busy to talk to you.
