The Mental Health Hotline
The new answering service
greeting recently installed on the "Mental Health Institute Hotline"
"Hello, and welcome to the
Mental Health Hotline."
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the
line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the
mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell
you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press: no-one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 969696969696969.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a
representative comes on the line.
"Hello, and welcome back to the
Mental Health Hotline!
(We know
when it's you!)!"
If you have amnesia, press 8, and state your name, address, phone
number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden
name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press
000.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep,
or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term
memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If
you have short term memory loss press 9.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too
busy to talk to you.
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