How to Give a Cat a
Pill
1. Grasp cat
firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were
giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice kitty." Drop
the pill in its mouth.
2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp
& pill from under sofa.
3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with
left hand & back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill
into its mouth with right forefinger.
4. Retrieve cat from under the bed. Get a new pill from the bottle.
(resist impulse to get new cat.)
5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in
bottle-feeding position, sit on edge of chair, fold your torso over
cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by
lifting the upper jaw & pop pill in - quickly! Since your head
is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you are doing.
That's just as well.
6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
7. If you are a woman, have a good cry. If you are a man, have a good
cry.
8. Now pull
yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat &
pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here anyway?"
Open cat's mouth, take pill & ....Oooops!
9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse & think. Aha! Those
flashing claws are causing the chaos.
10. Crawl to the linen closet. Drag back a large beach towel. Spread
towel on floor.
11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter & pill from potted plant.
12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
13. Flatten cat's front & back legs over its stomach. (resist
impulse to flatten cat.)
14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time & tabbies wait for no
man - or woman!
15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its
mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
16. Drop pill into cat's mouth & poke gently. Voila! It's done!
17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
18. Take two aspirins & lie down.
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Give a Cat a Pill
