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To
Everything There is a Season: . A Time to Weep, A Time to
Laugh.
Ecclesiastes 3
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FUNNY ANSWERING MACHINES
"Hi. Now you say something."
"Hi. John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.
Please speak slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of
these magnets."
"Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped
with her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. If you'd like
anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the
phone."
"Hi. This is Steve. If you are the phone company, I already sent the
money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my
financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are
my friends, you owe me money. If you are female, don't worry, I have
plenty of money."
"Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave
me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."
"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons
right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't
home and it's safe to leave us a message."
"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving
messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub. Their
carpets are always clean. They give to charity through their office and
do not need any pictures taken. They believe the stock market is a
random gamble, and the entire insurance industry is one huge scam
perpetrated by Mafioso accountants. If you're still with me, leave your
name and number and they will get back to you."
Da, zis iz Ivan: Do you have zee secret information, Boris?
Pentagon command: transmit destruct sequence (pause) sequence correct:
T minus one minute and counting.
Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? Captain, there is
a transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven, do you want it on
screen?" (silence ... click)
This is not an answering machine this is a telepathic thought-recording
device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling,
and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your
call.
I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain.
Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one
of them will get back to you.
I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement
printing up a fresh new batch of twenty-dollar bills. If you need any
money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your
name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you're from
the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message.
Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right now,
so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly
about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the
following words: orange ... mother ... unicorn ... I'll get back to you
with my diagnosis as soon as possible.
You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very
sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to
resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly
compelled to leave your name, number, and a message. As the drugs take
hold, you feel you are losing your grip on reality. You begin to
hallucinate. You see a telephone ... the telephone is next to an
answering machine ... you hear a faint click and a light flashes on the
answering machine ... you hear a beep ..
After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the
money. I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to come out of
hiding.
The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your
name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the
secret password.
I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the
phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message,
but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for
you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it ... I mean,
like, wait ...
How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand the
instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch
this ..
(With Australian accent) G'day mate. Can't come to the phone now
because I'm a bit tied up with this crocodile. Just leave a message,
and I'll get back to you.
# # #
Return HOME from Funny
Answering Machines
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