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To
Everything There is a Season: . A Time to Weep, A Time to
Laugh.
Ecclesiastes 3
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The New Employee
Handbook
SICK DAYS. We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as
proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to
come to work.
SURGERY. Operations are now banned.
As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You
should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have
something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
PERSONAL DAYS. Each employee will
receive 104 personal days each year. They are called, "Saturday" and
"Sunday."
VACATION DAYS. All employees will
take their vacations at the same time every year. The vacation days are
as follows: January 1st , July 4th & December 25th.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE. Bereavement is no
excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for your dead
friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee
involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late
afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour
and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work
is done.
The New Employee
Handbook (cont.)
ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR
OWN DEATH. This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we
require at least two weeks' notice, as it is your duty to train your
own replacement.
RESTROOM USE. Entirely too much time
is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the
practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees
whose names begin with "A" will go from 8:00 to 8:20; employees whose
names begin with "B" will go from 8:20 to 8:40; and so on. If you are
unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until
the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies,
employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees'
supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there
is now a strict, 3-minute time limit inside the stalls. At the end of 3
minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and
the stall door will open.
LUNCH BREAK. a) Skinny People.
Skinny people get 1 hour for lunch, as they need to eat more so they
can look healthy. b) Middleweight People. Middleweight people get 30
minutes for lunch, so they can get a balanced meal to maintain their
average figures. c) Fat People. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch,
because that's all the time they need to drink a Slim Fast &
take a diet pill.
DRESS CODE. It is advised that you
come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing a
pair of $350.00 Prada running shoes & carrying a $600.00 Gucci
bag, we will assume that you are doing well financially &
therefore do not need a raise.
THANK YOU. Thank you for your
loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment
experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,
accusations, contemplation's, consternation's, or input should be
directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week.
Management
# # #
Return HOME from The New
Employee Handbook
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