The New Employee Handbook

Announcement Memo to All Employees: It has become necessary to issue a newly revised Employee Handbook. Here you will find detailed direction addressing your time away from the job. In addition, instructional material is also provided for your behavior and habits in the work place.

SICK DAYS

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY

Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS

Each employee will receive 104 personal days each year. They are called, "Saturday" and "Sunday."

VACATION DAYS

All employees will take their vacations at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: January 1st , July 4th & December 25th.

sailboat

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE

Bereavement is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for your dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.

ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH

This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks' notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with "A" will go from 8:00 to 8:20; employees whose names begin with "B" will go from 8:20 to 8:40; and so on. If you are unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict, 3-minute time limit inside the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

LUNCH BREAK

A) Skinny People. Skinny people get 1 hour for lunch, as they need to eat more so they can look healthy.

B) Middleweight People. Middleweight people get 30 minutes for lunch, so they can get a balanced meal to maintain their average figures.

C) Fat People. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time they need to drink a Slim FastĀ® & take a diet pill.

DRESS CODE

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing a pair of $350.00 Prada running shoes & carrying a $600.00 Gucci bag, we will assume that you are doing well financially & therefore do not need a raise.

THANK YOU

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation's, or input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.

Management


FUNNY CORPORATE ONE-LINERS

"Welcome to the company. Would you prefer to be branded with this red hot iron, or have a discreet tattoo on the inside of your ear?"

"Yes, it's an old saying, but where I work they really practice that expression, 'we never fire anyone. That's because slaves have to be sold'. And I've seen it happen, that's how they handle it."

"I'm sorry, I've forgotten your name again. Is it Employee 1287952 or Employee 1287983?"

"Absolutely, I'm the man for the job. I have excellent people skills. My degree is in business communication. I'm recognized for my concise presentation content delivery. And, by the way, what kind of idiot wrote these questions you are asking me?"

"We appreciate you applying for a position with our company, but are a bit surprised by your limited corporate work history and life experiences. How do you see your experience over the years ranging from Top Scorer in Space Invaders to Minecraft applying to our job opening in the accounting department?"

man smiling

"Our focus groups have determined that 8 out of 10 people have no opinion about our new product line. The marketing department has assured us that every option was explored and implemented to ensure market saturation. Our operations department has delivered 100 percent of the time without fail. The accounting department confirmed proper billing for every one of the units sold. Risk management verified every required disclaimer, warning, and fine-print element was in place on each product. We are proud to the report to the board that every single product sold, all 11 of them, met our target goals exactly."

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