The New Employee Handbook

Announcement Memo to All Employees: It has become necessary to issue a newly revised Employee Handbook. Here you will find detailed direction addressing your time away from the job. In addition, instructional material is also provided for your behavior and habits in the work place.



SICK DAYS

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

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SURGERY

Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS

Each employee will receive 104 personal days each year. They are called, "Saturday" and "Sunday."

VACATION DAYS

All employees will take their vacations at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: January 1st , July 4th & December 25th.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE

Bereavement is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for your dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.

ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH

This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks' notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with "A" will go from 8:00 to 8:20; employees whose names begin with "B" will go from 8:20 to 8:40; and so on. If you are unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict, 3-minute time limit inside the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

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LUNCH BREAK

A) Skinny People. Skinny people get 1 hour for lunch, as they need to eat more so they can look healthy.

B) Middleweight People. Middleweight people get 30 minutes for lunch, so they can get a balanced meal to maintain their average figures.

C) Fat People. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time they need to drink a Slim FastĀ® & take a diet pill.

DRESS CODE

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing a pair of $350.00 Prada running shoes & carrying a $600.00 Gucci bag, we will assume that you are doing well financially & therefore do not need a raise.

THANK YOU

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation's, or input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.

Management




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