New
Darwin Award Nominees
(see
Darwin Awards)
Hard
to believe, but another year has passed. Once again, it's time
for the Darwin Award Nominees. The Darwin's are awarded every
year to the persons who died in the most stupid manner, thereby
removing themselves from the gene pool. This year's nine
nominees are:
Nominee No. 1: [San Jose Mercury News]:
An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a
former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to
death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
Nominee No. 2: [Kalamazoo Gazette]:
James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, MI, was killed in
March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a
"farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the
truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could
ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught
on something, however, and the other man found Burns
"wrapped in the drive shaft."
Nominee No. 3: [Hickory Daily Record]:
Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death
in December in Newton, NC. Awakening to the sound of a ringing
telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed
instead a Smith & Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when
he drew it to his ear. (No Southern jokes please, it's just One
of those "Things that Make you Go 'Hmmmmmm' ")
Nominee No. 4: [UPI, Toronto]:
Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in
a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his
shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman
said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto
Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining
the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students.
Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength
according to police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of
the firm Holden Day, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was
"one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man
association. (Nice to see another Canadian province getting into
the awards.... The Maritimes always have been heavily involved.)
Nominee No. 5: [Bloomberg News Service]:
A terrible diet and a room with no ventilation are being
blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas
emissions. There was no mark on his body, and an autopsy showed
large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had
consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other
things). It was just the right combination of foods. It
appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the
poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been
outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been
fatal. But the man was shut up in his nearly airtight bedroom.
According to the article, "He was a big man with a huge
capacity for creating "this deadly gas." Three of the
rescuers got sick, and one was hospitalized.
Nominee No. 6: [The News of the Weird]:
Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He
had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair
on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to
life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell
attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was
electrocuted. (South Carolina entrants are always perennial
favorites.)
Nominee No. 7: [The Indianapolis Star]:
A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in
Dunkirk, IN. A Jay County man, using a cigarette lighter to
check the barrel of a muzzle loader, was killed Monday night
when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators
said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural
Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryor was
cleaning a 54-caliber muzzleloader that had not been firing
properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when
the gunpowder ignited.
Nominee No. 8: [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario]:
A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium
apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to
his death. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair
when the accident occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the
Peel Regional Police. "It appears that the chair moved, and
he went over the balcony," Honer said. (Another
Ontario entry.... I wonder if people are moving there from the
Maritime Provinces.)
Finally, THE WINNER!!!: [Arkansas Democrat Gazette]:
Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the
road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38
early Monday. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the
accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of
Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock, were
returning to Des Arc after a frog gigging trip on an overcast
Sunday night when Poole's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned.
The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model
truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available,
Wallis noticed that the 22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit
perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering-wheel column.
Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate
properly, and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the
White River Bridge.
After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing
the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged, and
struck Poole in the testicles.
The vehicle swerved sharply right, exiting the pavement, and
striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions
from the accident, but will require extensive surgery to repair
the damage to his testicles, which will never operate as
intended. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was
treated and released.
"Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his
privates off, or we might both
be dead," stated Wallis. "I've been a trooper for 10
years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I
can't believe that those two would admit how this accident
happened," said Snyder. Upon being notified of the
wreck, Lavinia (Poole's wife) asked how many frogs the boys had
caught and did anyone get them from the truck???
(Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their
misadventure as normally required by Darwin Award Official
Rules, it can be argued that Poole DID, in fact, effectively
remove himself from the gene pool.)
