The Darwin Awards
The Darwin Awards, for the uninitiated, are an
unofficial hats off to people who keep the gene pool
clean by removing themselves from it creatively, in the most
extraordinarily stupid ways.
A past winner for example, was the fellow who was killed by a Coke
machine - it toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a
free soda out of it.
GRAVITY KILLS
A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead yesterday after he tried to use
accessory straps (the stretchy little ropes with hooks on each end) to
bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said. Fairfax County
police said Eric A. Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these
straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end
to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped ... and hit the pavement.
Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia
was alone because his car was found nearby. “The length of the cord
that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle
and the ground.” Police say the apparent cause of death was “major
trauma”. An autopsy is scheduled for later in the week.
LAUNCHED ON THE FOURTH OF JULY
Three young men in Oklahoma were enjoying the coming Fourth of July
holiday and wanted to test fire some fireworks. The only real problem
was, their launch pad and seating arrangements were atop a several
hundred thousand gallon fuel distillation storage tank. Oddly enough,
fumes were ignited, producing a fireball seen for miles. They were
launched several hundred feet into the air and found dead some 250
yards from their respective seats.
DON’T ASK GOD TO PROVE HIMSELF, HE JUST MIGHT
A lawyer and two buddies were fishing on Caddo Lake in Texas when a
lightning storm hit. Most of the other boats immediately headed for the
shore, but not our friend the lawyer. Alone on the rear of his aluminum
bass boat with his buddies, this individual stood up, spread his arms
wide and shouted: “HERE I AM LORD, LET ME HAVE IT!” Needless to say,
God delivered. The other two passengers on the boat survived the
lightning strike with minor burns.
The Darwin
Awards (cont.)
THE BOYS OF SUMMER
A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. Big
deal you may say, but there’s a twist here that makes him a candidate.
It seems he and a friend were playing catch with a rattlesnake. The
friend (a future Darwin Awards candidate himself) was hospitalized.
THEY SAY THOSE THINGS WILL KILL YOU
Not much was given to me on this unlucky fellow,
but he qualifies nonetheless. You see, there was a gentleman from Korea
who was killed by his cell phone ... more or less. He was doing the
usual “walking and talking” when he walked into a tree and managed to
somehow break his neck. Keep that in mind the next time you decide to
drive and dial at the same time.
GOT A LIGHT?
In a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized
warehouse noticed the smell of gas. Sensibly, management evacuated the
building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition-lights,
power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from
the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found
they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none
of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the scene of one of the
technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that
resembled a lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas
in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away.
Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually
untouched by the explosion. The technician that was suspected of
causing the explosion had never been thought of as “bright” by his
peers.
The Darwin
Awards (cont.)
THIS YEAR's NOMINEE:
One day, the Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a
pile of smoldering metal embedded into the side of a cliff which rose
above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site
of an airplane crash - but it was a car. The type of car was
unidentifiable at the scene. The lab finally figured out what it was,
and what had happened.
It seems that a guy had somehow gotten hold of a
Jet Assisted Take Off (JATO) unit. This is actually a solid fuel rocket
used to give heavy military transport planes an extra "push" for taking
off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the
desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. Then he attached the
JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up some speed, and fired off the
JATO.
The reconstructed facts are as follows:
The operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO
ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site.
(This was estimated by the deeply scorched and melted asphalt at that
location.) The JATO unit, if operating properly, would have reached
maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well
in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional
20-25 seconds. The driver, soon to be pilot, would have experienced
G-forces usually reserved for dog-fighting F14 jocks under full
afterburners, basically causing him to become insignificant for the
remainder of the event.
However, the automobile remained on the straight
highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20) seconds before the driver applied
and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires, and leaving thick
rubber marks on the road surface. The car then became airborne for an
additional 1.4 miles and hit the cliff face at a height of 125 feet,
leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock.
Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable;
however, small fragments of bone, teeth, and hair, were removed from
the crater and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of
the debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.
The Darwin
Awards (cont.)
And a near winner but
a future Darwin Awards candidate is..............
A Vermont native, Ronald Demuth, found himself in a difficult position
yesterday. While touring the Eagle’s Rock African Safari (Zoo) with a
group of thespians from St. Petersburg, Russia, Mr. Demuth went
overboard to show them one of America’s many marvels. He demonstrated
the effectiveness of “Crazy Glue” ... the hard way.
Apparently, Mr. Demuth wanted to demonstrate just how good the adhesive
was, so he put about 3 ounces of the stuff in the palms of his hands
and jokingly placed them on the buttocks of a passing rhino. The rhino,
a resident of the zoo for the past thirteen years, was not initially
startled as it has been part of the petting exhibit since its arrival
as a baby. However, once it became aware of its being involuntarily
stuck to Mr. Demuth, it began to panic and ran around the petting area
wildly making Mr. Demuth an unintended passenger.
“Sally [the rhino] hasn’t been feeling well lately. She had been very
constipated. We had just given her a laxative and some depressants to
relax her bowels shortly before Mr. Demuth played his juvenile prank,”
said James Douglass, caretaker. During Sally’s tirade two fences were
destroyed, a shed wall was gored, and a number of small animals
escaped. Also, during the stampede, three pygmy goats and one duck were
stomped to death.
As for Demuth, it took a team of medics and zoo caretakers over four
hours to remove his hands from the rhino’s buttocks. First, the animal
had to be captured and calmed down. And during this process the
laxatives began to take effect and Mr. Demuth was repeatedly showered
with over 30 gallons of rhino diarrhea. “It was tricky. We had to calm
her down, while at the same time shield our faces from being pelted
with rhino dung. I guess you could say that Mr. Demuth was into it up
to his neck. Once she was under control, we had three people with
shovels working to keep an air passage open for Mr. Demuth. We were
able to tranquilize her and apply a solvent to remove his hands from
her rear,” said Douglass. “I don’t think he’ll be playing with Crazy
Glue for a while.”
Meanwhile, the Russians, while obviously amused, also were impressed
with the power of the adhesive. “I’m going to buy some for my children,
but of course they can’t take it to the zoo,” commented Vladimir
Zolnikov, leader of the troupe.
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