*
ANSWERING MACHINES *
"Hi. Now you say something."
"Hi. John's answering machine is broken. This is his
refrigerator. Please speak slowly, and I'll stick your message
to myself with one of these magnets."
"Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine
just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls.
If you'd like anything cooked while you leave your message, just
hold it up to the phone."
"Hi. This is Steve. If you are the phone company, I already
sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you
are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough
money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are
female, don't worry, I have plenty of money."
"Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't
like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's
you."
"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning
our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we
probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."
"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of
receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a
hot tub. Their carpets are always clean. They give to charity
through their office and do not need any pictures taken. They
believe the stock market is a random gamble, and the entire
insurance industry is one huge scam perpetrated by Mafioso
accountants. If you're still with me, leave your name and number
and they will get back to you."
Da, zis iz Ivan: Do you have zee secret information, Boris?
Pentagon command: transmit destruct sequence (pause) sequence
correct: T minus one minute and counting.
Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? Captain,
there is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven, do
you want it on screen?" (silence ... click)
This is not an answering machine this is a telepathic
thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name,
your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and
I'll think about returning your call.
I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my
brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume
my shape, one of them will get back to you.
I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the
basement printing up a fresh new batch of twenty-dollar bills.
If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my
handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you
need after the tone. If you're from the Department of the
Treasury, please ignore this message.
Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone
right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number,
then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to
mind when you hear the following words: orange ... mother ...
unicorn ... I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as
possible.
You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel
very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and
your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you
will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a
message. As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your
grip on reality. You begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone
... the telephone is next to an answering machine ... you hear a
faint click and a light flashes on the answering machine ... you
hear a beep ..
After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left
the money. I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to
come out of hiding.
The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave
your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to
invade, and the secret password.
I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come
to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording
this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to
it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're
listening to it ... I mean, like, wait ...
How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand the
instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I
touch this ..
(With Australian accent) G'day mate. Can't come to the phone now
because I'm a bit tied up with this crocodile. Just leave a
message, and I'll get back to you.
