CARRY-ON
BAGGAGE - An item of unusually large dimensions that only fits
under the seat when traveling to your destination, never on your
return trip home. (Refrigerators, motorcycles, console TVs and
Toyotas are not considered acceptable carry on baggage.)
FLIGHT SCHEDULE - An entertaining fictional work designed to
provide a place for adverting copy of related businesses.
PRE-BOARD - Any passenger who needs assistance with boarding,
who arrives at the gate 5 minutes before departure time.
PASSENGER - A herding creature of widely varying intelligence,
usually found in pairs or small groups. They are sometimes known
to become vicious and violent in simple, easily rectified
situations. When frightened or confused, creatures collect into
a group called a line . . . with no set pattern, often formed in
very inconvenient places. Passengers often fall into one of four
known species: Paxus Iratus, Paxus Latus, Paxus Inebriatus, or
Paxus Stupifi.
SIGN - An airport decoration which usually goes unnoticed except
by small children.
A T C - A game played by pilots and air traffic controllers.
Neither group knows the rules, but it is played to prevent
flights from being on time.
"THIS POSITION CLOSED" - "CLOSED" - or
"NEXT POSITION" - A ticket counter sign interepreted
by passengers to mean: "Form Line Here".
FOG - A natural weather phenomenon usually occurring around
airports while surrounding areas are clear. Fog is controlled by
airlines to delay flights.
AGENT - A superhuman with the patience of a saint, the herding
ability of a pack of pedigree Australian sheepdog, the
understanding of a psychoanalyst, the extra-sensory abilities of
Uri Geller, the tact of Henry Kissinger, mystical abilities to
control wind, rain, and fog, and the ability to answer 3
questions at the same time out of 1 mouth. In later life,
usually seen in bars or carrying on mysterious conversations
with themselves in parks and rest homes.
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